Today, for the first time since the community quarantine was imposed in March, I finally got to see the outside world. For the past 89 days, the times that I step out of the house was for morning strolls around the village which notably only takes about300 steps to reach our front gate again. My husband, my sister-in-law and our Manang were all wonderful for taking care of the errands for the past 3 months.
In the coming week, I will be reporting back to our office. Sherwin is still working from home, thus I will be driving alone. I knew that prior to driving back to work, I should head out of my home first to test the water.
For days I was putting off going out with Sherwin for a drive until I told myself to accept what I am really feeling. I am scared to go out the gates of our subdivision. I am afraid that I will be the one who will catch the virus and unknowingly take it home and put my loved ones at risk. I am scared to step out of my comfort zone.
I finally decided to face my fear. I initially thought of driving. But when I got the engine running and shifted the gears, I started to shake and my heart was pounding. I told Sherwin that I can not do it, so he took over the wheel. As we were driving around I realized that i was holding my breath for a while. I was afraid to step out of the car and even walk into a store. Seeing people, vehicles and traffic were all so new to me. I am thankful that I have my husband with me who was supportive and encouraging the whole time. For a while I was confused and even apologetic for feeling this way but he told me that there is nothing wrong in experiencing this kind of anxiety. He even made sure I got my coffee as our first stop as he knows it will calm my nerves.
We all deal with changes in our lives differently. This situation that we are in right now with the pandemic requires a big adjustment not just in our routines but more so in our mindset. Somehow we have to get used to living life with the virus around. It is scary but it is the reality that we have now. However you see it, do not be afraid to admit to feel differently from others. It is ok not to feel ok. Be kind to yourself as you are with others. My experience today reminded me take it one step at a time. One baby step each time.