Dear Mamang,
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today with a hallow feeling in my heart. Today, it has been 40 days since we lost you. Has it really been that long since I got the most dreaded call? Has it really been 40 days since I held your hand but I can not bring myself to say goodbye despite thinking that it will be the last? How come life go by so fast, but we, the ones who love you, sometimes stop in our tracks and gets frozen by your memory?
I had been thinking about you a lot Mamang, especially when I am alone. When I am driving around the busy roads of EDSA, you always cross my mind. Thank you for always keeping me company. You seem to know that it makes me sad to be alone in the car. My thoughts often wonder on how you are; on whether you are happy; on how you must be feeling now as you look down on us from heaven. Is heaven wonderful? Is it really full of clouds? How did they welcome you? You must be smiling from ear to ear when you entered the gates of heaven.
I always read and hear about the pain of losing a loved one. As we mourn your passing, it is only now that I begin to understand each and every thing I heard. Ganito pala iyon. We smile, we laugh, we go through our day to day activities but our hearts still feel wounded. Yes, we are moving on with our lives, but I guess it will never be the same. Now gatherings will feel like we are always incomplete. Special occasions will always remind us of your presence before, and your absence now. Ganito pala iyon. But i hope Mamang this will not make you sad. We just miss you because you loved us a lot. You made a mark in our lives which is why your physical absence is very much felt. We will never get used to not having you around but we have long accepted that you are where you should be. We had you with us long enough. Call us greedy, when we could have wanted more. Yet we are thankful for that long years that you spent with us.
Mamang, if there is one thing that you want for us, it is for each and every one to be happy. Please do not worry about us though. Our hearts are still healing but we have each other to hold on to . 4o days is symbolic in our Catholic faith, and i guess for me, it also gives us that one day to tell ourselves that today it is alright to cry again, to miss you and to honor you. This is just one of those days, but tomorrow we will get back on our feet, and face each new day with a smile like did when you were here… Smile in heaven for us Mamang. I will look at the sky, please smile at me.
Always,
Trina