The Road to Being a SAHM

“Oh my congratulations! That’s great! I wish I can be a stay at home mom too!”

This is what I constantly hear whenever I confirm that I am indeed quitting my job to be a full time mom. I know that not a lot of moms are given this as an option, and thus, I know that I am a lucky one. But still, the decision did not come easy, and my struggle made me feel guilty.

Please do not get me wrong. I love my kids. I adore them and I have always been a hands on mom. I call my kids from the office to check on them, ask about their assignments or just to simply say “hi”. I render absences (a lot) to accompany them to school activities or doctor’s checkups and therapies. Weekend seems so short to spend whole days with them. So it confused me as well when I got so restless with the idea of quitting my job. I mean, I should be excited, right? This is a dream for a lot of working moms, so how come I am not exactly jumping with glee? It was a year of deciding and then backing out because I had cold feet one too many times.

I am afraid of a lot of things. I am worried that the kids will like it more if I am not at home everyday because I am strict. I am worried that I will not be an effective home maker. I am worried that I might lose myself, just like what I hear from other stay at home (SAHM) moms because taking care of the family is always the concern. I am worried that my husband will eventually lose respect in me because he might think that we are no longer equals. I fear of not having saved enough for the future and then something will happen that will render us unprepared. So many worries. So many fears.

When I contemplated and prayed about my doubts, I realized that it is all because of my fear of not having control over the future. I had always been a control freak.  I make sure that everything is well planned and organized. I like taking familiar routes because it is safe. I have a fear of the unknown. I live in a routine and it makes me secure. With me being a working mom, I feel like somehow I have a little control of securing our future, well financially, at least. I can help save for our material goals for the kids. In work I also felt a sense of independece. My achievements at work contributed to my self worth, my self confidence. Definitely, this whole stay at home mom thing is an “unknown” for me. It is something that I have never done before. It is something that I haven’t tried, and that is what made me anxious.

But when a final crossroad came and I had to make a final decision, it is when my priorities became clear; it has  and will always be family. The decision was purely mine. I am blessed to have a husband who never imposes anything on me. A decision that will make me happy is what he only requires. However, it made the decision making process harder. I knew what the answer is but it is the courage to do it that lacked. But when I listened to my self; to my heart and to my head, I knew that the kids are the top priority. The kids NOW. Not just their future. Not just my fears of that moment when we die and they are left here on earth. It gave me strength to face my fears. With faith and hardwork, we can secure their future eventually. But their growing up years and needs right now can not wait. If i let fear overcome, life will pass me by and I know I will regret not choosing them.

So yes, now I am a stay at home mom after almost 12 years of being in the corporate world. Am I happy? yes I am! Are there still fears? Yes, there still are but now I  know that with faith and trust in God’s will for me and my family, all worries will be erased in my heart eventually. It is a new and exciting phase in my life now and I am looking forward to my new adventures!

To end, I would like to leave quote I found in Instragram which somehow helped seal my decision. I am not saying that being a SAHM is the only right way to go. It really depends on your situation. Only you can know what is right for you and your family.