Our story of struggling with Trust

When I check my Instagram, I usually scroll through it quickly, tap “Like” if I found a post interesting or nice, then move on. But this particular quote made me stop and stare for a few minutes:

I have seen this before, We even say it out loud. But following this, deeply and sincerely following this, at one point in our lives became a struggle.

When we found out that our second born son, Hendrix, will not be like his Kuya (Big Brother) Heinel in more ways than one, we were devastated. Although early on we knew of the possibility of him having disabilities because of his premature birth, we still hang on deeply to the hope that he will be one of those success stories of grand miracles. As parents, we have such high hopes and dreams as well as a clear picture of the the future of our children. But upon confirming Hendrix’s disabilities it is like we were robbed of our dreams for him. We shed tears not because we love him less but because we are worried of his future life without us. Will he be able to walk? To work? Have his own family? Who will take care of him once we are gone? We were lost. Heartbroken. And this fear lead us to ask, to doubt. Why our child? Why our Hendrix?

As I reflected, I realized that our pain is brought about by our fear of not having control of his future. As humans, this is like walking in a completely dark alley. We are so used to controlling our lives and the sudden lack of it to our son’s life  unnerved us. However, as I look back I realized that because I am too preoccupied dreaming of the grand miracle for him, I failed to see all the miracles that God has given  us since our son was born. Hendrix’s survival alone is a big miracle all together. Why am I wanting more? There are also miracles of people’s unexpected generosity that helped us manage the financial challenges of his extended stay in neonatal intensive care unit. There are a lot of miracles of Hendrix doing what some doctors feared he will not do. There are the grace of genuine friendships we developed because of him and the strong bond that our family has because of all the emotional, financial, spiritual challenges that we encountered.

In this moments of reflection I was not able to able answer my question of why it happened to my son. What I only know. however, is that God has been guiding and helping us raise him  since day 1. God could have taken him away from us, and on several occasions I thought He would. But Hendrix is with us, for us. God must have a purpose for him and for us. I do not know completely yet but I am so excited to find out.

Hendrix is such a happy, positive and good 2 year old boy. His smile will melt your heart.People say that we are strong. That I am a strong mom, but it is really our son’s strength that radiates through us. I am writing of our struggle, to give fellow parents inspiration, especially of fellow parents of children with disabilities. Our kids are wonderful.  The sense of normalcy is subjective. We are living our daily life on our own normal way. As a good friend of mine said, celebrate on what our kids strengths are, on what they can do, rather mourn on what they can not. Looking at it in that perspective will really change your outlook. Keep your head high and have Have faith!