Letter to Hendrix on his 1st Birthday
March 15, 2013
My Dearest Baby Hendrix,
As the clock strikes twelve on March 15, 2013, I look at you with tears in my eyes, and greatfulness in my heart. Finally, it’s your first birthday my son! Words cannot express how happy I am. I’ve longed prayed for and waited for this day, and several times I feared that it will never happen. I look at you now very at peace while you sleep when exactly a year ago I am not even sure if I will have the chance to see you. I still remember so vividly when you came out, I did not get the chance to hold you or even look at you because you have to be immediately taken to NICU. But I heard you cry; a loud one, which seems to tell me “Mommy, I’m gonna be fine. I’ll see you soon.” The next few days was a daze with regular updates from your doctors; all of them asking us to pray hard. The next few days I pushed myself to get better so that I will be able to see you inside NICU. I was so determined to be with you but Dad wanted me to wait. I could not understand and I found it unfair for he can see you everyday and talk to you while I’m only allowed to see you by the window in which the view is not very near. Dad tried to delay me seeing you but when the day came when he could not stop me anymore, I excitedly walked inside NICU for the first time eager to see you. And when I saw you, that was when I knew why Dad wanted me to be strong enough for our first meeting. He knew my mother’s heart will melt. You were so small; tiny and very fragile, and with tubes and line on your arms, legs and mouth, Your hand can barely hold my thumb. I was heartbroken. That was not what I intend for you to be on your first few days of life. My tears shed and I whispered to you how sorry I am. I closed my eyes several times hoping to realize that I was just in a dream. But when I opened my eyes, I am still in NICU and you are still there inside the incubator surrounded by machines. On my way out, your doctor, Dra. Uy, consoled us and said that you’re fighting to survive and that’s what you’ve done the past 365 days; fight your way to reach this day. After 3.5 months in NICU, 3 hospitalizations thereafter, two of which are in PICU, I am so proud and thankful of how you’ve fought your way thru life. You are our miracle baby, a living proof that nothing is impossible with prayer. For the past year, Dad and I remember March 15 as a day of uncertainty, worry, and fear. Today, you change all that. Now we can already see March 15 as a joyous day; a day of celebration. I pray that it will be a fresh start for you. I know everyday is not easy for you, anak. With what some babies can do so easily, you have to work ten times as hard. But I want you to know how proud I am of you. It was a roller coaster ride the past year with some ups and and several downs but I can see how hard you are trying to keep up with everything. I wish I can make things easier and simple for you, my son. I may not show it to you but my heart breaks whenever you’re having a hard time eating or when you cry because you’re having a hard time in therapy. But please know that everything that we are doing now, all these therapy and weekly doctors’ appointments are for your own good. It is not every day that I am a strong mom. There are times that I get weak, both emotionally and spiritually, especially when I see you having a hard time. Several times I almost asked God why He is allowing you to go through so much difficulty. But everytime I reach that point, there will be reminders of your past; an urge to look at your photos on your first day of life, a sudden message from someone telling me to hang on or just you smiling or laughing while looking at me; these things I believe are God’s way of reminding me of how far you’ve come. God could’ve taken you from us on several occasions, but He did not. He allowed you to survive, and with that I must trust in His grand plan for you. I know I have no right to question God because He gave me what I beg from Him upon your birth, and that is for you to be with us. I know that God entrusted you to us because He knows that we can take care of you, and that is what Dad and I intends to do for the rest of our lives.
Hendrix, on your first birthday, Dad and I only have the highest hopes and dreams for you. My constant prayer is for you to be always healthy and happy. Dad and I promise that we will give you the best quality of life possible for you . May God continue to give you strength especially now that we are catching up on what might have still be developed during the 3 more months that you should’ve been inside my tummy. I also hope that by the time you are old enough to understand everything that is going around you, we’re all ready past all the therapy and constant doctors appointments. I want you to look forward to weekends as family time; wherein you, Dad, Kuya and I are going places having a good time. Hendrix, I pray that one day you will be able to read this and know just how much we love you and how thankful we are that you here with us now. We are past the “one day a time” period. Now, we are taking it one year at time. We have one major hurdle this year but im hopeful that you will be able to get through it. Thank you for being so strong and so brave. You may not say it but I know you love us too by the way you look at us. Happy, happy first birthday my son. Always know that there are so many of us who loves you and who is inspired by you. We will forever be proud of you my baby bunso. I love you so much.